Today I looked in the mirror, I know nothing real different from any other day, but it was. I stood in the full length mirror I first looked at my face. I re-examined my eyes (I used to love my eyes) with and without make up on them. They're okay, you can see stress in them and age. They look like they belong to someone who's been through hell. I don't believe I have. I've had battles, I've had bad days, but is it really that bad? Where did that spark and life go that are in pictures of me from 5-6yrs ago? Did they leave when I pulled the first week of all nighters with a screaming infant who was not tolerant to me (breastfed her) and was colicky?
Next my nose, I've always hated it. I broke it when I was younger wrestling with my brother. It's now slightly crooked and bigger than the average persons nose. I'm okay with this now though, I know how to turn for a picture to minimize it and so you can't tell it was broke.
Onto my mouth....lipstick I am okay with, I've always loved lipgloss, I love how my lips feel when I purse them together with lipgloss and they slide. So no major problems yet.
Oh No! The chin...that used to be a well defined jawline is now almost a double. If I turn my head just right it does turn to a double. UGH problem defined...get a chin lift (j/k)
My chest...Well It used to be barely a C cup, perfect for me. I loved them! I knew how to play them up, dress them down, and everything in between. I never had to go up a size just to have enough room for them. Now after two kids, nursing them both, I'm a DD. How did this happen? I always heard you went back to the same size, or smaller. LIE! I went up 2 sizes. Maybe part of this is due to the weight gain. I gained 62lbs with my first (yes I know more than recommended but she was my first and I thought I could indulge in anything and everything). Lesson learned with the second. I only gained 8lbs while pregnant with her. However going on birth control after I gained 18lbs...and haven't been able to lose any.
So then my stomach. I'm okay with the stretch marks, I get their purpose...however the flab has got to go. I'm evicting it as of today. I'm over it just flopping around hanging above where my belt used to be placed saying "hi there knees I'm going to give you a hug soon".
The rest of my body is okay, slightly bigger, but no major concerns.
So I faced myself in the mirror and told myself "you're in there, you never left. You've got this."
I will believe this. Here's to 364 more days *sips hot cocoa*
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The Challenge: Finding ME again
This is my first blog EVER so bear with me. I have decided after an absolutely horrid day that I have lost myself. I do not know where the once confident, intelligent, carefree, whimsical, world traveler with little expectations of how the world was going to change her went. I admit I've had kids, and now tend to pick them over any other activity, but does this really mean I lost myself? I've gained 84lbs with two kids and can't seem to lose any of it. I want ME back. So for 365 days I will post every day something that I have rediscovered about myself. I have gotten a membership to a gym in hopes that retraining my body to run and kickbox will help me. In 365 days I will post before and after pictures.
Todays lesson: Jean Shopping:
NEVER go jean shopping somewhere new when you are on a time crunch because nap time has already came and went, and now you have two cranky toddlers and a grown man who just don't want to do anything. It makes everything, I mean EVERYTHING worse. Jeans don't fit right, you can't find your size, you don't like the design, and the worst feeling in the world then creeps in. I'm just too fat for clothes, they don't make them for me anymore. I'm not sexy because I'm not skinny. I don't look like the girls in magazines, he doesn't look at me the same the look he just gave me proves that. Finally out of frustration and part anger at myself, the world, clothes, and the store I threw down the clothes that were maybe possibilities that fit okay and left. What I really wanted to do was break down in tears. The world was against me today and all I needed was a pair of jeans since it's getting too cold too fast. I'm that mom that can't justify spending $32 on a pair of jeans at Old Navy where I know they fit because I also need to switch two growing toddlers wardrobes around, feed a dog, feed them, and pay bills. Why are jeans, which could be considered a neccessity be so hard to find? So hard to buy once you do find that one pair? Where did I go when I could walk into Kohl's, go to the juniors department and pick up any size 9/10 jeans and know they fit and only pay $15-$20 for them. What happened to finding my sexy? Was it lost when I gained weight and had kids? Do "fat" (yes I said it I'm fat!) women not deserve to feel sexy or look sexy?
I have all these great wardrobe ideas, I've pinned them, I've clipped them,I've even drawn up some....but can I go to a store and find them in my budget and size...that'd be a big FAT (like me) negative. The clothing industry was not made for me.
Maybe I'll just shop online and save myself the embarrassment of facing the mirror in the store.
Todays lesson: Jean Shopping:
NEVER go jean shopping somewhere new when you are on a time crunch because nap time has already came and went, and now you have two cranky toddlers and a grown man who just don't want to do anything. It makes everything, I mean EVERYTHING worse. Jeans don't fit right, you can't find your size, you don't like the design, and the worst feeling in the world then creeps in. I'm just too fat for clothes, they don't make them for me anymore. I'm not sexy because I'm not skinny. I don't look like the girls in magazines, he doesn't look at me the same the look he just gave me proves that. Finally out of frustration and part anger at myself, the world, clothes, and the store I threw down the clothes that were maybe possibilities that fit okay and left. What I really wanted to do was break down in tears. The world was against me today and all I needed was a pair of jeans since it's getting too cold too fast. I'm that mom that can't justify spending $32 on a pair of jeans at Old Navy where I know they fit because I also need to switch two growing toddlers wardrobes around, feed a dog, feed them, and pay bills. Why are jeans, which could be considered a neccessity be so hard to find? So hard to buy once you do find that one pair? Where did I go when I could walk into Kohl's, go to the juniors department and pick up any size 9/10 jeans and know they fit and only pay $15-$20 for them. What happened to finding my sexy? Was it lost when I gained weight and had kids? Do "fat" (yes I said it I'm fat!) women not deserve to feel sexy or look sexy?
I have all these great wardrobe ideas, I've pinned them, I've clipped them,I've even drawn up some....but can I go to a store and find them in my budget and size...that'd be a big FAT (like me) negative. The clothing industry was not made for me.
Maybe I'll just shop online and save myself the embarrassment of facing the mirror in the store.
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